Resentment Over Invisible Work Will Eventually Ruin Your Marriage

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Over time, and especially after kids, we resent our partners for engaging in activities that make them happy. The more lopsided the division of labor at home, the higher women’s resentment peaks—but there is a solution, writes Fair Play's Eve Rodsky.

Pop quiz: What would you do for yourself, outside family life, with one free hour in the day? In other words, if you were gifted a 25th hour, how would you happily spend it?

I formulated this question one Sunday morning as I sat with my friend Marie at her family-sized kitchen table in suburban White Plains, New York, swapping stories about raising young kids and growing up in Manhattan. Her husband Dave trotted downstairs and breezed into the kitchen wearing shorts, running shoes, and earbuds. He waved a courtesy “morning” and as he filled up his water bottle at the sink, Marie leaned in and whispered, “He’s training for a marathon and Sunday mornings are his ‘long runs,’” she punctuated with an eye roll, “meaning I’ll be left alone with the kids all day.”

Dave popped out his earbuds, “I heard that. And I won’t be gone all day. Did you mention that you were out until two this morning with your girlfriends?”

“It was my best friend’s 40th birthday,” Marie shot back.

“Well, I’m not missing my morning run because you want to sleep off your hangover.”

Back and forth the resentment sparks flew as I slunk down in my seat. Captive in White Plains, I began to wonder if there was something deeper at play between Marie and Dave that my research for Fair Play had missed.

While Marie is a friend, she’d also agreed to be one of my early interview subjects for the book I was writing on domestic inequality with a focus on invisible work. I had talked to 500 couples all over the country and even abroad in an effort to uncover the root of discontent within our marriages, whatever the family configuration or income group. As I drained my coffee mug and readied to leave Marie’s kitchen in the midst of their heated exchange, I wondered if the issue of “free time” was a factor to be considered.

On my way home to the west coast later that day, I began posing this very question to men and women—some of them sourced online, others in person at the airport, in the Lyft line, on the playground, and at morning drop-off.

What would you do for yourself, outside of family life, with one free hour in the day?

Again and again, responses landed in the following three categories: Adult friendships, self-care, and passion. I coined this the Happiness Trio.

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Engaging in at least one of the three is how my interviewees would prefer to spend their ‘free’ time, assuming they have any. When I asked the same data set if, or why, they weren’t already making time for adult friendships, self-care, and activities that stoke their passion, both men and women pointed to their partners (or the invisible work left to them by their partners, which often goes unseen and unrecognized by our partners) as their reason for disengaging from these activities. Some of my favorite responses:

“We’ve all heard the phrase ‘marriage is work.’ More aptly, marriage feels like all work. Not a lot of play.”

“On our first date I remember my husband asked me ‘what do you do for fun?’ I haven’t heard that question again in 15 years.”

“There is just no way my husband would be cool with me leaving him on the weekend for play rehearsals. Local theater has always been my creative outlet, but the reality is that I’m going to have to wait until the kids are older to return to the stage.”

Conversely, a sentiment expressed by many of the breadwinner/husbands I interviewed went something like this:

“I want to make time to run every weekend. It’s important to me, but my wife hates me for it.”

Aha! What became clear to me the more I dug into the Happiness Trio is that, over time and especially after kids, the very things that make us the happiest are what our partners resent most about us.

Sounds counter-intuitive, right? But what I discovered is that when there is perceived unfairness or unclear expectations in the household division of labor, we resent our partners for engaging in activities that make them happy. And it goes both ways.

When our partners engage in [fill in the blank—adult-friendship, self-care, passion] while we’re stuck making multiple school lunches at 10 p.m., we feel treated unfairly. Wronged. Jealous of our partner’s time to pursue happiness. I found that the more lopsided the division of labor, the higher women’s resentment peaks. In fact, according to findings from Natsal-3, 21.2 percent of married women aged 16–74 reported “not sharing enough housework” as a reason for live-in partnership breakdown (i.e., divorce).

And for the men I interviewed, they begrudge being “nagged” over aspects of home life that are not “their responsibility” or, that they don’t perceive as their responsibilities. In other words, when expectations were not aligned and responsibilities were not clearly assigned between partners, men reported a sense of unfairness. “If she wants me to do the laundry, I’ll do it. But don’t deny me my workout time just because you expected me to do something and now, you’re pissed that I didn’t read your mind.”

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Warning! This tit-for-tat can have an unfortunate ending for your relationship. When we prevent our partners from engaging in The Happiness Trio, our marriages are strongly likely to fail. On top of that, research shows that our individual health can be significantly compromised when our home life becomes all work and no play. Furthermore, time spent on friendships, self-care, and activities that stoke your personal interests and passions are indicated as the keys to long-term physical and mental wellness. This is the real mid-life crisis which no new car, new breast implants, or affair will fix.

Understanding that the Happiness Trio is vital to your longevity, individual contentment and a happy marriage is meaningful awareness. An important starting point, for sure. But without a system in place, taking time for this treasured trio just ain’t gonna happen.

4 Steps to Fairness within the Home Organization

To create a sustainable solution for rebalancing the distribution of labor and invisible work at home, I created a systematic approach to fairness that mirrors many successful organizations.

1.
Together, sit down and discuss what you truly value as a family

You can begin to lighten your load by taking things off the table that either aren’t relevant, or creating more satisfaction in your lives. You don’t have to do it all. Give yourself permission to do less.

2.
Make the Invisible Visible

Get granular for all domestic and childcare tasks you deem valuable, and delineate and assign full ownership of those tasks. (Who’s on trash duty?)

Set clearly defined expectations and standards. (Let’s agree on the best day and time to take out the trash. Ideally, before it’s spilling onto the floor.)

3.
Establish a Measurement of Accountability

Did the trash make it out to the street before the garbage truck turned the corner?

Is there a new bag in the bin?

4.
Communicate Regularly

Let’s continue to talk about the most efficient way to fairly delineate and assign responsibilities. (Since you leave early for the office on trash day, I’ll take that job and you can own dishes. Deal?)

Once you’ve systemized the domestic workload and are playing for more time equality and enhanced efficiency, you and your partner will both have more room for The Happiness Trio. And without the resentment. Marie and Dave did just this and as a result, they were both able to support each other to create the full and balanced lives they desired. What has replaced their weekend bickering? They mutually agreed that Saturday mornings the kids are his responsibility (so Marie could go out with her friends Friday night and sleep in) and Sunday mornings are hers (so Dave could train for his marathon). Deal!

Resentment QuizDo any of the following describe you and your relationship?

A.

You’ve created an Instagram account called @thingsmyhusbanddidntpickup to publicly air your husband’s dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and oh no, he didn’t—a loaded diaper left on the bathroom counter!

B.

Out of nowhere, you erupt in tears over forgotten blueberries at the store and the current state of your identity. Who am I? You feel overworked and overwhelmed, and you’re not able to communicate to your partner what you need without screaming or crying, and frequently at the same time in the produce aisle.

C.

You find yourself lying in bed at night, privately keeping score with your partner. You’ve taken on a significantly larger portion of the work and you don’t remember agreeing to this unpaid promotion. You fear that your list of daily To-Do’s will continue to grow as your partner’s responsibilities at home synchronously diminish.

D.

You’re still in the honeymoon phase and yet you’ve felt an undercurrent of imbalance rocking your love boat. Where your left-brain-leaning-spouse used to willingly handle all the bills, this time-sucking task has suddenly ended up in your pile. Doesn’t he know you’re the right-brained partner?!

E.

On an average day, you and your partner are happy. You both regard the division of labor and childrearing as fair and still, there’s always room for improvement. After all, this is marriage with kids we’re talking about!

If you answered ‘yes’ to A-D above (and even if you currently an E), then you very well may be experiencing the real mid- life crisis—resentment from feelings of perceived unfairness in the home—which no new car, new breast implants, affair or stashing your kids with your in-laws (indefinitely) will fix. The solution: Systemize the domestic workload and play for more time equality, enhanced efficiency, and engagement in the Happiness Trio (adult-friendship, self-care, passion). Rebalancing is how you can generously support the full and balanced life both you and your partner desire to create.

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